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Daily Tip:
you are mediumorchid
#BA55D3 |
Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be.
Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it.
Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.
| | the spacefem.com html color quiz |
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| My Friday |
| 08.27.04 (2:21 pm) [edit] |
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I am so glad it's Friday. I haven't been sleeping well for the last week or so and I am just so tired and fed up. I am hating the maternity care here in Alberta - it is just terrible :(
I am tired of the school holidays and I want my house back to being clean and tidy as it normally is - I don't cope well when it is a mess. The children go back to school next Wednesday and I can't wait - as much as I love them. The last few days I have ached all over and the lack of sleep is making me miserable. My lower back aches so much :( After the children go back to school, I have booked the carpet cleaners to come and go right through the house - getting rid of 9 weeks of dirt from the children running in and out from the yard and with pockets full of sand from the playgrounds here.
I also have booked a cleaning company to come and clean all the walls, floors, baseboards, windows etc etc to get things back to normal - then I can go from there and perhaps be a little calmer!
I will be glad when 5pm arrives and Lloyd walks through the door - I miss him today and could do with a hug. I am so thrilled to be pregnant and can't wait for the baby to arrive but right now the lack of sleep and aches and pains that go with pregnancy are getting me down. I so hate to feel this way - I am normally such a happy positive person - I just don't deal well with lack of sleep.
My writing is behind - I haven't felt much like writing this week. Not my journals and not my novel. I think it frustrates Lloyd more than me when I stop writing. He encourages me a lot and is always telling me to write - but he worries that I will lose interest.
This weekend should be a good weekend for us. Tomorrow my daughter has a bowling party to go to but apart from that our day is clear to relax. Then in the evening our babysitter is coming - but just to watch the girls. Lloyd and I are taking the boys with us to see the new puppies!!! I am so excited to meet our puppy for the first tiem - even though we might not know which will be ours yet - it will be fun to see them at just 5 weeks old!
Sunday we have no plans. Lloyd hopes to work on the patio and then we may go out to a park for a walk and a picnic - make the most of summer while it is here. I could sure do witha fairly quiet weekend.
But for now I have to get through this afternoon until Lloyd gets home - my daughter just brought a friend home from the park for lunch and the boys are somewhere here having lunch I think - but they are alll heading out again afterwards - make the most of a warm dry day - before we know it the snows will be here again.
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| The 80's |
| 08.27.04 (2:21 pm) [edit] |
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In the last few weeks my husband and I have spent a lot of time reminiscing about the Eighties. There seems to be so many tv shows about the era lately, and Lloyd created a CD for me of all my old favourites. We even played 'name that tune' and shockingly I can almost get every song correct just by listening to the first thwo or three seconds of the intro!
Every song seems to mean something different to me. Some of them I don't even enjoy but if they remind me of a special time in my life then I included them. Careless Whisper was played at my friends funeral and will always be a special song to me. Ninetynine red balloons reminds me of playing in my best friends bedroom - putting make-up on and doing our hair. 'Come on Eileen' will forever remind me of Friday nights at the Youth Club in the village hall - I even won a dancing competition to that song - too funny considering I have two left feet ;)
There are songs that remind me of holidays, of school discos, of special friends. Ones that remind me of boys I adored and first boyfriends. First jobs and summer days spent in the garden reading 'Sweet Dreams' teen romances!
The hair was frightful in the eighties, and the clothes not much better - white t-shirts with 'Relax' emblazoned on the front, dayglo pink or green socks, legwarmers 'Fame' style! Ra-ra skirts and puffball skirts, and my hair crimped until it resembled thatch on a Dorset cottage roof!
I know my Mum was always pleased she grew up in the 50's and 60's and declares that these were the best decades for music but I am quick to disagree - I will always be glad I was a teenager in the 80's.
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| written wednesday |
| 08.27.04 (2:20 pm) [edit] |
Wednesday already. This week was going slow and then today went so fast!!! The weather was dreadful over the weekend. It was only 7c on Sunday!!! We thought Fall was here - not even Fall - winter!!!! But Monday it started to improve and today was 19c thankfully! I haven't had the car this week so we have been at home a lot - the children have been out playing - making the most of lazy days before school starts next week.
Last night my oldest Son cycled to his friends house and stayed for dinner - then called to ask if he could sleep over. The rest of us curled up and watched Cheaper By The Dozen and Lloyd drove out to get coffee and timbits (donut holes) from Tim Hortons.
I haven't been able to sleep well for a week or so - pregnancy bump is huge already and as tired and sleepy as I am by 8pm, by the time I get into bed I can't seem to sleep!
I have been working on my novel - writing notes and researching certain aspects. Lloyd set me up with his laptop which I think will work better than the pc - I always get distracted on the computer - emails and websites ;)
Today was a good day. I soaked in the bath most of the morning and this afternoon we went swimming and to the indoor playground. We met my friend and her little girl and had some lunch there together. My Daughter (6) can swim now - she is working hard at it.
This evening we drove down to Walmart to have my Sons glasses fixed - we have to go back tomorrow as he has to have an eye test before they fix them. I bought some birthday gifts for two birthday parties my DD is attending over the next few days.
Tomorrow I have an appt with my OB again. It's a horrid experience - I feel so rushed :(
Thats my week so far!!!
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| In the dark |
| 08.27.04 (2:19 pm) [edit] |
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We were far too old to be acting this way. It's funny what a little alcohol can do. Get a bunch of girlfriends together in an old cottage by the lake, a few bottles of wine to share and a power cut brought on by a thunder storm and there is only one thing left to do.
It was Sally's idea originally - we had been reminiscing about school and Sal had reminded us about the school disco one summer - not long after the Winslow boy had died. We had all left the music and headed outside into the warm summers night - one of the older girls had had a ouija board and we all had joined in. Hiding behind janitors shed we had all held hands and summoned the dead. Of course nothing happened - there was far too much giggling and people messing about - moving the dial themselves rather than waiting for a 'spirit' to respond.
So here we were - 20 years later and having a girls only weekend at Liz's cottage. Child free, men free, responsibility free. The storm had come in quickly and after a while on the deck watching the light show across the lake, we had come inside by the fire to chat over candlelight. Sal mentioned the ouija board and we had all giggled like the teens we used to be and then it wasn't long before the 'shall we??'s began.
We all moved forward and sat on the floor cross legged like childrenin kindergarten waiting for show and tell. With no Ouija board around, Kate grabbed pen and paper and started writing out the alphabet and tearing them into squares which we all placed in a circle on the polished coffee table beside us.
Liz finished off her wine and offered it up as the pointer. All the time we were preparing, we were also remembering other occasions of our teen years and reminiscing about first loves and pregnancy scares, heartthrobs and crushes. This is what girls weekends should be about. Not for the first time did I feel grateful to be part of such a special group of women, with whom I could share such special memories.
Kate goes out to the kitchen for more wine and then we settle down to play this 'game' . I notice Kate pours herself a very large glass and looks nervous. I see her take a deep breath and then she speaks. 'Do you think there is really life after death? What do you think happens when we die?'
From the glow of the fire I can see the seriousness in her face - and the worry. Sal sniggers and says 'why Kate, you thinking of leaving us soon?' a couple of the others laugh too but I don't. I can see Kates face. I know this is no lighthearted question.
'Kate whats wrong?' I ask, putting my hand on her arm.
'Geez - she's just had too much wine.......' chides Sal ' ........feeling a little melancholy are ya Kate??? Someone take that glass from her hehehe'.
'Kate?'
She looks down and I see her bite her lip before she lifts her head and looks me straight in the eyes. 'I have cancer.........theres nothing they can do....................they found it too late'.
No more giggles. No more laughter. No more reminiscing. Just a room full of friends holding each other and no sound but the cracking of the firewood and the wind from outside.
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| low mood |
| 08.27.04 (2:18 pm) [edit] |
A dark cloud looms over me
I try to run and hide
Nothing helps
I just tire myself more
Sleep refuses to come to me
Exhaustion reaps
eyelids heavy I plunder on
When will this end?
When will the rainbow come?
a signal that light is arriving, the clouds are lifting
my mood is rising.
I sit alone
Amongst all these people, still alone
The laughter and cheer rings around me
never reaching me
energy come to me. Lift me please
and awaken me once more.
This life I lead so easy
Full of goodness, full of hope
Why then this mood?
Why then so blue? So dark?
Sleep please take me away
Let me awaken tomorrow refreshed
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| Gratitude |
| 08.20.04 (12:21 pm) [edit] |
Today I am thankful for:
1. The fun we all had yesterday at the Penny carnival. The city I live in is wonderful at putting on free activities for the families that live here. A park near our home had a huge penny carnival yesterday with picnic and prizes all included.
The weather was perfect for a pregnant woman - warm but cloudy and overcast. It took Abigail a while to get used to all the noise and chaos at the carnival but once my little two year old worked out that if she played the games she won candy, she soon started to join in with vigour!
There were three legged races and sack races, face painting and bouncy castles, bowling and magnetic fishing games, crafts and snacks. The two hours of the carnival flew past and by the time we had walked home - stopping off for a photo session by the pond - we were all exhausted from the fun!
2. The wonderful gifts Lloyd brought me home on Monday. He finally found me a Kelloggs pedometer in a cereal box when he was at the grocery store - so he grabbed it for me :) And despite not being able to find apint glass anywhere, he found me the nicest water jug and glass set to go beside my bed. I drink so much water at night that I normally have to go downstairs and refill it several times, but this jug means I can just pour myself another glass. I am grateful for such a thoughtful husband.
3. I am grateful for the evenings this week that we have spent sat out on the patio with the firebowl lit. We sit and watch the embers glowing and the flames dancing as we chat about this and that.
4. I am really really grateful for the great indoor runners I got for the children for school - brilliant prices and the ones they chose themselves were much cheaper than I had budgeted for! I love that my children don't care for labels etc. Less than two weeks now before they go back to school. I survived!! Despite being pregnant, sick and very tired! :)
5. My love of reading. I love to read and I am grateful that I inherited my Moms love of books. That I can escape into the pages of a wonderful novel. That I read well. that I have passed my love of reading on to all 4 of my children. That we all enjoy our trips to the library. For my library card that alllows us to borrow as many books as we like. My friend is not a reader and last week I took her to the library - she had not stepped foot into a library for ten years!! I just can't imagine that! It is our second home!
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| miserable |
| 08.20.04 (12:20 pm) [edit] |
I have days like this. Where for no reason I feel empty and alone and fed up. Anger boils beneath the surface and I feel exhausted beyond belief. Pregnancy multiplies this but it is not something new. I feel so low today. I slept well so I am not sure why I stepped out of bed the wrong side. Does there need to be a reason?
I spent an hour in the bath this morning but couldn't relax. My husband called a few times - as he always does but I didn't stay on the phone line long as I knew I would start an argument for no good reason.
My lower back aches and my hip hurts from the walking I did yesterday. It frustrates me that I don't find pregnnacy as easy as most people. I never seem to reach that 'blooming' stage in the middle months.
It seems that the more I clean the dirtier the house gets and it is all getting on top of me. So much needs doing but with the children home from school there is little point. I wish it was Saturday. I wish Lloyd was home. He calms me down and entertains me - knows how to cheer me up and if all else fails he makes a wonderful cuppa! Thank goodness it is Friday and in 3 hours he will be on his way home for the weekend.
My children are so good and don't desrve to hera my yell or moan - sweep the floor, empty the dishwasher, run the vacuum round for me. They don't complain and I'll treat them afterwards - they can have some change and go to the store for something nice - a slurpy or something equally bad for them ;)
I feel lonely today - so lonely - but I don't know why - I chose not to have anyone over today - I cose to have a quiet day at home. So why do I feel like everyone else is outside having such a great time while I am home wiping dead flies from the windowsills? And then I look again an hour later and there are more dead flies! Where do they all come from?
Perhaps it is because yesterday was such a great day - we had such fun at the penny carnival and picnic and I was ona real high and exhausted from having fun! Perhaps today is the after-effects of that busy day - my mood has dropped and I am physically and emotionally tired from it all.
I have days like this - I should know by now how to cope. I should know that this too shall pass. That tomorrow is another day...................and all those cliches.
But for now all I want is my husband to walk through the door and hold me and make me a soothing cup of tea.
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| leaving |
| 08.19.04 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
Write about a time when you were terrified to do the unthinkable
but you did it!
On February 18th 2001 I left my husband my children. I got in a car with a childhood friend I had not seen in 14 years. I moved 200 miles away to Edinburgh. Wow that makes it sound easy. It was anything but. It had taken me two years to find the courage and strength to pack my case and go.
My first marriage wasn't a bad one. I was not badly treated or abused. We met when I was 17 and married at 19. Things were wonderful for the first 8 years or so but then I slowly realized that I had little in common with my husband - we both wanted vastly different things from life. He wanted one child, I wanted many. He wanted a career woman for a wife, I wanted to be a full time mom and to homeschool my many children. He wanted to sleep all day on weekends and play the computer games all evening, I wanted to go out as a family and do things! He was hopeless with money and would rather buy a new stereo than pay the mortgage.
We had three children and although my husband would help with the practical day to day things like dinner and baths, emotionally he just wasn't interested. I found myself doing more and more on my own with my children - attending school functions and socializing. I felt like a single parent. This man that I had adored for so long had changed - as I'm sure I had too. We had grown up and apart.
At Christmas time 2000 I sent Christmas cards to an old friend from my childhood. He emailed me straight away and we chatted via email daily for about a week and then chatted via telephone. It wasn't long before I was falling in love. We had so much in common and wanted so many of the same things from life that I did. We liked the same music and movies and books. We both had dreams of running a little bookstore somewhere and of moving to North America.
Our relationship didn't go further than that - nothing sexual and nothing too emotional - except that he would listen and would encourage me and when he knew how lonely and upset and depressed I was, he offered me a place to stay - to think things through. My husband told me that I could go but that his condition was that the children had to stay (the children he didn't want - the children he spent no time with).
He was living in Scotland and offered to drive down and pick me up. I agreed. He drove down one Friday but I couldn't do it - how could I leave? I was a mother of three children - I couldn't leave. Two days later after many regrets, talking things over with my astrologer tutor and other friends, Lloyd drove back down and collected me.
I think my ex was stunned. I think he used the children thinking that I would never leave them. But I was sinking into a dark abyss. I was desperately unhappy and two years of Prozac had not helped. I didn't want to spend my life that unhappy. I didn't want my children mothered by a depressive too weak to do anything about it.
And so I left my husband and children. I called the children the following Friday and told them that I wasn't coming home. That I couldn't. I then drank myself into oblivion with a bottle of vodka I found in the freezer.
Things didn't happen instantly with Lloyd - my new husband and my best friend, and childhood friend. Things went slowly - we both needed to work things out and I was in no state to do anything crazy - but slowly after a few weeks of sharing an apartment I think we realized that we just fit together.
Two months later my children came to stay for the Easter holidays. My Daughter stayed with me after the holidays and my sons went back to finish the year at their school. They spent the summer with my parents while Lloyd had a house built for us, and then we all moved in together in the September. We have been one very happy family ever since. Lloyd and I have a daughter between us and are expecting our 5th child - I say 5th because to us all the children are ours - he thinks of them all as his. He is a wonderful daddy who really takes an interest in them all.
And their real Father? He chooses to have no contact with them. It doesn't surprise me. Although it saddens me deeply.
Its strange - I could never see myself growing old with my ex but I see it so clearly - as clear as day with Lloyd.
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| butterfly by the ocean |
| 08.19.04 (4:45 pm) [edit] |
The song starts "What am I .. I wish I were a butterfly. I'd fly
and fly until..."
Turn it into an interesting paragraph.
I'd fly and fly until I saw the ocean. And what a glorious sight would meet me. Rushing towards me in waves from the horizon, deep blue and green and oceans clear. Shining, reflecting the sun, glistening in the light. How grand it would seem. So incredibly huge and powerful compared to a soul as little as I. I would watch the shell collectors tip-toeing through the whitesands, and I would glide up to where the seagulls watch for prey. I would fly towards the lighthouse attracted by the brightness and then swoop down low and rest upon the castle built from the tiniest grains of sand by the tiniest hands of a toddler. I would breathe in the salty air until I felt lighheaded. and then rest myself on a dainty yellow flower pushing up through the grassy dunes.
Oh how I miss the ocean.
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| solitude |
| 08.19.04 (4:44 pm) [edit] |
You've been condemned to a life of solitude on a small deserted
island. Leaning against a tree as you stare blankly out at the
sea, you spot a box floating to the shore.
When it reaches land, you hurriedly rush over and open it to
discover...
a self inflating motor boat with instructions and a map of how to get back to the mainland. I read the instructions carefully and then grab my pen knife and cut up the boat. It will make a perfect waterproof roofing material. Why on earth would I want to use the boat ton 'escape' solitude on a deserted island??? White sands, blue seas, fresh tropical fruits and a parrot that I have already taught to say three words. Leave this calm and wonderful place? For what??? For the 5pm rush hour? For the long lines in the grocery store to buy fruit already past-ripe and squishy? For useless reality tv and re-runs of Friends? For electric bills and tax? No thank you! I don't think so!!! This is home for me now :)
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| free from prison |
| 08.19.04 (4:44 pm) [edit] |
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You've just been released from jail. Freewrite for ten minutes
on how you spend your first 24 hours as a free person.
They open the gates and I am lead out through them with five or six fellow inmates. Inmates? Not any more I guess. A few of them have people waiting for them - to take them home? To take them somewhere. Who knows where. I didn't take the time to get to know anyone 'inside'. I don't want any connections from this place I leave behind. It will become a distant memory that hopefully one day I can walk away from and lose it all within my subconscious.
I shiver despite the sun burning down. Perhaps it is the loneliness or the fear. I have been protected here. I have not had to think for myself in so long. What now? I take a sweater from the bag I carry and pull it on. I then light up one of the few cigarettes my cell mate had given me as a goodbye. Cell 'mate' - funny term. We are not friends. We will not stay in touch. Forced together with no choice we made the best of the situation. Of course, neither of us were guilty - it had all been a mistake - but then everyone in 'there' was innocent. I don't remember anyone admitting to the crimes they were punished for.
I take a huge drag of the cigarette and let the smoke slowly out. As if the action will calm this racing heart of mine. I have been given a little money, and the address of a hostel. I decide to just walk for now. With no where to go I turn left and head down the street. A street of grey houses. All the same. Prison warden housing no doubt. As impersonal and dull as the wardens themselves. I look down at my feet as I walk and notice all the cigarette butts along this stretch of sidewalk. I imagine this walk has been made by hundreds before me. All needing that first cigarette of freedom to sustain them on their travels. Their travels where? I wonder.
I see a small coffee shop across the street and throw my finished dog-end to the ground to join the many others, stamping the life out of it. From the outside, the coffee shop seems fairly run down and neglected but there are lights glowing inside and a strong smell of coffee comes through the window and entices me. I open the door and walk in, taking a seat in the corner and trying not to look up at the few people already seated in there. I am sure they look over at me. I'm sure they know where I have come from. They must be used to us. A young girl comes over and asks for my order. Strong coffee. Donut.
I watch the steam rise from the coffee mug and as I stare hypnotically I consider my options. What to do? What to do? I have an Uncle somewhere further south from here. I remember he wrote when I was first incarcerated. He seemed sympathetic to my 'plight'. Perhaps I could visit him for a while? My Sister lives out West. Perhaps there? But she has a family now. Young children. Perhaps I wouldn't be welcome. Perhaps I would make her uncomfortable. I think of the last time I heard from her. It's been years. Probably not a good sign.
By the time the coffee mug is empty and the donut nothing but a few crumbs on the plate, I think I have the answer. I leave the money on the table and walk out. Turning the corner I head along the next street and keep walking until I find what I am looking for. There ahead of me is a small tired looking strip mall. I head towards it and into the liqueur store. I purchase a bottle of the cheapest, strongest clear liquid I see and pay, before heading out again into the afternoon sun. I continue walking in the direction I had been heading. I know I will find the right place - if I just keep walking. It's an odd sensation. I feel as if I shouldn't be here. I feel like I shouldn't be 'outside'. Like I've made a mistake and they will be here to catch me and take me back to the cell I have grown to love and hate all at the same moment. I am a free man. Why do I feel like I still need to keep looking over my shoulder? I feel as though I have prisoner stamped across my forehead. Do people know - when they look at me - can they tell?
I walk for an hour or so until some trees come into sight. Hopeful, I walk a little faster and then read a sign. 'Public Park - please keep dogs on a leash at all times'. I enter the park gates and head towards a group of trees that offer some seclusion. Using my bag as a pillow I sink down to the ground and rest my back against the trees knobbly trunk. I open the bottle of liqueur , tip my head back and feel the wonderful burning liquid rush down my throat. I drink it all back and let the empty glass bottle fall to the floor. It won't be long. Oblivion.
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| stolen |
| 08.16.04 (9:39 am) [edit] |
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I sit here in numbly staring at the wall. I feel the tear as it strolls down my cheek, but that aside I feel nothing. Nothing. Beside me on the bed are the newspapers, their headlines screaming at me. Telling me the truths I don't want to hear. I don't want to believe. I don't want to face this. I push them aside with an angry energy and they fly to the floor. Scattered.
A voice calls for me from downstairs. My Mother. My nervous upset mother. Not knowing how to respond to me. Not knowing what to say or how to help. She pops her head around the corner of the door and I see her gulp and take a deep breath before speaking. She tells me the cars are here and it's time to go. I nod silently. She leaves me to my grief and goes back downstairs quietly. Everyone is so quiet. Everyone is whispering as if sound might cause the world to stop. Don't they realise the world has already stopped. For me at least.
I force myself to get up off of the bed and I walk toward the bathroom door. I tap lightly and call my husbands name. I hear sniffles and sobs and it takes a while for him to reply. I swallow and then tell him that it's time to go. The taps go on and I imagine him splashing water on his face - as if that will stop the tears from falling. As if that will help him cope. As if that will make him look fine again and people won't know that he hasn't been able to stop the tears for 5 days.
5 days. It's already been 5 days.
The bathroom door opens and my husband walks into the bedroom. He looks at me uncomfortably as if he doesn't know whether to hug me or not. Please don't hug me. Don't touch me. I can't be touched right now. Leave me be.
We walk stiffly out of the bedroom. As if strangers. We walk down the stairs, both of us purposely not looking at the closed bedroom door at the end of the hallway. Avoiding what we know we must face. Later. Not today. This is enough today.
Several people are downstairs and they look at us briefly as we walk down. A few pecks on cheeks, a few squeezes of my hand or arm. I walk into the front room and look out of the window. And there it is. There is the car. The long black car that houses my Son. My Son. In a box. In a hearse. My sweet, wonderful, loving Son. How can this be? How can this be real? It feels as if I am watching a movie. As if I am watching this happen to someone else. These things always happen to someone else.
I feel someone come into the room and I know it's my husband. He stand behind me. He looks at the car and I'm sure thinks the things I think. I feel his arms move around me and his head pressed against mine. And I am ready. I am ready for his arms. I am ready to share my grief with him. It is time.
My Son. The wonderful little toddler that ran into my arms and sang his heart out in kindergarten and played football as if life depended on it in Junior High. The light of my life was distinguished five days ago. He was crossing the road to come home to me. After a day at his friends house he was on his way home. A man in his forties, robbed me of my Son. He had had several drinks after work to ease the stress of his working day. He got behind the wheel of his car and he ploughed into my Son. My heartt is gone - never to be replaced.
I take my husbands hand and we walk together out to the car. I blow a kiss to my Son and we leave to say goodbye...............forever.
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| Gratitude |
| 08.14.04 (7:42 am) [edit] |
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I am thankful my Son has reached the grand age of 11 healthy and happy :)
I am grateful for a husband who is open with his emotions and physically affectionate. I love that he calls me frequently from work to say he loves and misses me and that his day is not complete without numerous hugs and holding my hand to fall asleep.
I am grateful that my children have inherited my love of writing. Both my Sons (aged 11 and 9) have started blogs this week and my oldest Son also scrapbooks.
I am very thankful that finally we have grass!!! The landscapers came this week and laid the sod - only a few more weeks and we can use our yard :)
I am thankful that on Thursday we had a date with some friends to go out for ice cream :)
I am grateful that tonight is date night for Lloyd and I
I am thankful that the migraines I have developed this week have not been too severe and have occurred late evening when I could sleep them off.
I am grateful for the chance to curl up last night and watch 'Under The Tuscan Sun' and on Thursday we did the same and watched 'stepmom' and I got to bawl my eyes out - sometimes having a good cry at a really good movie is just the greatest thing!
I am grateful for the sun that is shining today - although I don't like the heat I am in the mood for sunny weather ;)
I am grateful for weekends.
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| My bitch! |
| 08.13.04 (6:35 am) [edit] |
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Oh and other news!!! Our golden retriever puppy is now almost 3 weeks old - walking now and eyes open!!! About another 5 -6 weeks and we get to bring him/ her home!!! The breeder sends us photos every week and they are just so cute! I am really really excited! We are trying to decide on names! Not knowing if we will get a boy or a girl doesn't make that easy!!
The kids have been on school holidays for almost 7 weeks now and have another 2 weeks or so left! It hasn't been too bad. We have had no yard for them to play in though. They finally laid the sod this week and Lloyd has almost finished the huge patio he has been building. the fence starts to go up in 2 weeks time - just in time for the kids to go back to school and the snow to arrive lol!
Check out minidudes blog and also Laurie123!!!! leave them a nice comment - they are my boys and so excited about having blogs!
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| beaujolais at High Noon |
| 08.13.04 (6:31 am) [edit] |
I was sitting under a shade tree in the high noon when suddenly... I remembered that my husband was finishing work early and coming home just after lunch. What on earth would he think with me sat here with my oversized glass of beaujolais and book, dozing in the garden? He will think this is all I do...................well yes, it is most of the time...............but he mustn't find out................no! He must think that I spend my days cleaning and baking and educating his child................mmmmmmm yes, where is Abigail????? She was here when I fell asleep. What if he comes home too early and finds that actually I hire Mary the cleaner to clean the house and that the catering company delivers 'homebaked' goods each day that I pass off as my own? Oh my goodness, oh my goodness..... I must get up and get going and look busy and oh - what day is it? Monday!!!! Oh thank goodness for that - I have the day wrong - it's tomorrow
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| Moon rise |
| 08.13.04 (6:21 am) [edit] |
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I see this picture of the moon above the grand ocean and am taken back to those oh so many evenings I spent at the coast. Summer evenings spent splashing and playing - as a child with my parents beside me and later with my parents watching them play with my own children. So many times we would pass the evening talking and playing, building castles, breathing the salty air, tasting the freedom and space. Listening to the gentle rolling waves lapping the sand as it cools after a day in the sun. Watching the moon rise to its place high in the night sky watching down on us as if it wished it could join the fun. Shining it's light for us to enjoy just a few more throws of pebbles trying to make them skip across the water - frustrated that only my Dad could make this happen!
And there were times mid winter when we would drive to the coast and sit with mugs of steaming coffee looking out to see and watching the angry waves crashing the sea wall that protects the houses from the rough temper of the winter sea. Wrapping ourselves in warm jackets and braving the bitter wind we would take a walk along the promenade that was literally breath-taking.
My Mum has asked that after her death we scatter her ashes somewhere that reminds us of her - somewhere we have spent happy times and have collected memories of her over the years. For me this will always mean this one section of the English coast. West Bay. Dorset.
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| getting wasted |
| 08.13.04 (6:19 am) [edit] |
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Too funny - in an ironic way! The first time I got drunk was when I was 15. And it was after the death of my friend (that I mentioned in the ambulance ride piece)
Kirsty's life support was switched off on the Friday afternoon. My friend Louise had had her birthday party arranged for that Saturday for about a month or so - we decided to go ahead and have the party because it would mean an evening together to talk and to be together as friends. It was the first of the 'real parties'. No parents, no chaperones, just music, chatting and drinking and BOYS!!!! - we were supposed to be drinking pop but some older kids came and brought alcohol.
I had far, far, far too much cider that night. It was the first time I had drunk more than a glass full. I started off by getting overly happy and giggling about everything but a few cups more and my mood changed completely. I couldn't stop crying and just broke down totally about Kirsty's death. I ended up being violently sick at my friends home and they called my Dad.
Dad came and picked me up and I can still remember sitting in the bathroom on the floor with my head in the toilet.
You would think I would have learnt my lesson since then but I probably got drunk another 5 times before I 'grew up' ;)
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| Ambulance ride |
| 08.13.04 (6:17 am) [edit] |
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I wish there had been an ambulance ride. I wish they had called the ambulance. Rather than taking the gamble - choosing to drive her themselves. As fast as they could drive they couldn't help her at the same time. They were'n't equipped.
He told me that her head had fallen to her chest by the traffic circle. Right outside the hospital she had died. He had known it then. Does he wonder if? Does he think if only...........?
18 years have passed since my friend Kirsty died. She had an asthma attack at home. Her parents had been there are panicking, they had decided it would be quicker to rush her to hopsital in their car than call for an ambulance. Her Dad had driven her and by the time they arrived she had died. A week on life support didn't help to bring her back and we all had to say goodbye.
As parents we have to make so many decisions - so many choices - often that are life or death for our children. I haven't been in Kirsty's parents shoes - I have no idea why they made the choices they did or if they have thought of the what if's?? I know I do. I know I wish there had been an ambulance called that day.
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| farmers markets |
| 08.13.04 (6:14 am) [edit] |
One of the joys of summer for me is to visit a farmers market. There are three in this small city - two on Wednesday evenings and one on Saturdays. Is there anything nicer than spending a summer evening strolling through the scents of the market, tasting freshly baked breads and home produced dips, trying perogis with spinach and ricotta or smelling handcrafted soaps. Talking to the people behind the stands - finding out about the products they use and when this morning the vegetables were picked.
This evening was extra special as it was an unplanned trip. We had to run to the grocery store for a few items and also to the hardware store. One of the markets is in the parking lot of Home Depot. How wonderful to pass an hour at the market while my Husband enjoys looking at timber and brooms for the patio!
Luckily I have passed my delight of these markets on to my children. They also love the free tastings and all the sights and sounds and smells that reach us as we walk through.
I treated myself to a feta and spinach cream cheese to go on bagels - they had samples to try and Susannah and I delighted in tasting them all on the little cubes of bread supplied. Strawberry, Saskatoon berries, dill and cucumber. Susie tried the 5 pepper sample and was surprised by it's heat :)
Then we found a big bag of banana potatoes (finger potatoes?) - tiny new potatoes with odd shapes. I boiled them for dinner and we melted butter over them and served them with mixed vegetables and grilled chicken mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm they melted in my mouth. They were so good. The farmers wife sold them to me and it was wonderful to hear her describe their flavour and how freshly pulled from the ground they were.
The wonderful thing about farmers markets here is the wide spectrum of nationalities selling produce - Ukranians, French, German, Polish - all bringing their own cultures and flavours to the foods.
Last year we grew our own fruit and vegetables but this year we are in a new house with no fence to keep the rabbits away and no top soil to grow good vegetables in. I am growing a few pumpkins but that is as far as this years crop will stretch. Next year hopefully we will have our vegetable garden again.
Another few weeks and the farmers markets will be over until next Summer. Back to the grocery stores we will go where despite a bigger choice, the quality and atmosphere just don't compete!
Bws
Jane
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| the bee and the butterfly |
| 08.13.04 (6:12 am) [edit] |
bee: buzz buzz buzz
butterfly: will you stop buzzing around!!! I have a headache!
bee: I'm sorry - how come you have a headache? All you have to do is flit about looking pretty all day. Some of us actually have jobs you know!!!
butterfly? Jobs - what job do you do??
bee: I'm a worker bee. I collect pollen - I fly from flower to flower collecting pollen to take back to my Queen. I am also responsible for pollenating all the flowers here. Flowers......I might add..... that wouldn't be beautiful and plentiful for YOU if it weren't for me and my colleagues!!! buzz buzz BUZZ!
butterfly: huh! you think thats hard work? All you have to do is fly about collecting dust all day and you expect me to feel sorry for YOU???? Have you any idea what I have just been through??? Have you?? huh??? I will have you know that just a few days ago I was a happy wriggly caterpillar, wriggling about on the big old cabbage leaves across the yard, eating whenever I liked, sleeping and just happily WRIGGLING!!! but then I got so sleepy and tired from all that wriggling so I made myself the cosiest snuggliest cocoon bed. I took a nice little nap and dreamt of waking up with energy to wrigggle further up that cabbage leaf. BUt I didn't wake up like that at all and now I have such a headache!
bee: so what happened??? buzz buzz I love a good mystery buzz.
butterfly *sob sob* It was dark when I woke up and my cosy cocoon was all hard and crispy and not soft at all. And I felt...
bee: what what?????
butterfly: I felt different!
bee: *rolls eyes* is this story going anywhere??????? I've got nectar to pro....
butterfly interupts: I was DIFFERENT!!! Honest!! I went to sleep all wriggly and when I woke up it wasn't the same. I was stuck in this crispy bed ........THING!!! I stretched and I streched and finally it started to break open and I used all my strength - all the strength I could muster to heave myself out of that horrid hard crusty thing. And when I was out I was exhausted and I had this terrible pounding in my head. And then I streched out and realised all my wriggly bits were gne and I had these huge.........THINGS on my back. So I stretched them out to get a better look....and and and .......you know what????
bee: what???
butterfly: the wind lifetd me up and I was flying!!! Do you know how scary that is when you've never done that before???
bee: I remember!!
butterfly: well bees are supposed to fly but caterpillars??? Caterpillars wriggle. they don't fly. And now I'm here and I can fly and I want to wriggle up the cabbage leaf but I can't any more and I just don't know what to do and and and
bee: will ya calm down!!!
butterfly: I'm a butterfly - what am I supposed to do??? I don't know what butterflies do and it's hurting my head to think all of this n one day ..... I just can't deal with all this stress. What should I do?
bee: I'll tell ya what! Why not do what I do???
butterfly: collect pollen for the queen??
bee: Uh no - I don't think they'd let you in the hive with those big 'things' on your back. They're a bit bigger than ours. But why not carry pollen from flower to flower. Seems like that could be the job for you!
butterfly: really? You think I could??
bee: sure and you have the benefit of being pretty with those big things on your back!
butterfly: really? you think I'm pretty? oh geeeeeeeeeeee
bee: so the big ones won't try to squash you. You know you have to watch out for the big ones!
butterfly: the big ones?
bee: yeah - you know - they're huge. They have two legs they stand and then two leg things that wave about and pick things up. They live in the houses. They hate bees. They steal the queens honey and they try to kill us all. But they won't kill you - they'll like you. Try it.
butterfly: Ok bee thanks I will. I'll carry pollen! I'll make the flowers pretty and make them grow and I'll watch out for the big ones and .......oh gosh it's tiring just thinking about it all!! I think I'll sit here just a little longer and have a rest first.
bee: *rolls eyes again* ok butterfly - you rest there. Some of us have work to do. buzz buzz buzz
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| a letter to my ex |
| 08.13.04 (6:10 am) [edit] |
Write a paragraph to someone who has hurt your feelings without using the word "you".
I don't understand. It has been 4 years. We are both remarried. We have both moved along. I don't understand still why the bitterness remains. Can we not grow from this? Can we not work together for our children.
I can't comprehend how a Father can be loving and involved one day and then the next ignore the children he so wanted and helped create. I don't know how anyone can think a card on a birthday with money is enough. What about the other 364 days of the year? What about phone calls and letters? What about emails and photographs?
We have three beautiful, talented, friendly, loving children together. Our marriage is over but the children are still here. It is sad their Father has no interest. They have a new Daddy thankfully - he treats them as thought they are his - he loves them. He listens to them. He takes interest in them. But he will never replace the need for their real Father in their life.
But what I fail to understand the most is how someone who works as a psychotherapist, who treats adults badly damaged from childhoods where they felt abandoned and unwanted - can treat his children in such a way.
I have pity - I have great pity for someone that I know will have many regrets in their old age.
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| am I back??? |
| 08.13.04 (6:06 am) [edit] |
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It's been a while - months! since I posted! My sons now have tblogs and I figured if they can find the time then so will I ;)
Visit my boys - Minidude and Laurie123 - am not awake enough to find the links yet! But leave them a message - they are so excited about blogging!!
So instead of blogging I have been writing for a creative writing group. I figure I will cut and past my writing into my blog and fill this place up.
How have you all been? Hope things are good for everyone and you are all enjoying the summer! I am now almost 5 months pregnant and we are expecting a little boy at new year!
say hi to me :)
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